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“Girl, shoot! He did what? Uh-uhn!”
“Say what?! Girl, leave that man! He’s so stupid!”
“He lied about having babies!? Girl, we need to go fuck up his tires!”
Well if you call up some of your girl friends, sisters, cousins, and aunts, they just might give responses like these. We all know to whom we can go to get EXACTLY what we want to hear, even if it may not be exactly what we need to hear. I will give you props though…you did decide to talk to someone about the situation before just acting.
Acting without sitting down and thinking about it will only leave a mess in your wake.
Trust me. Been there. Done that. Been there again. Did, done, and did that again.
Now I know better.
So maybe you’ve just found out about your man’s lies – or maybe you’ve known a little bit and you have no idea what to do or maybe you’re a friend and you’re curious about how to advise your friend. Well here is the Progressive Love Version of an appropriate response:
1. Give yourself 15 minutes to get all of your emotions out.
• Feel every emotion, don’t hold it in anymore.
• Cry it out, scream it out, cuss it out, and just get it out.
• No emotion is a bad emotion. It is your emotion; no one else can make you feel anything so own your emotion.
• You feel betrayed, feel it. You feel stupid, feel it. You feel sad, feel it. You feel angry, feel it.
• REMEMBER, you ONLY get 15 minutes.
• Go ahead and feel it, I’ll wait…
*waits*
So, you’re done with your 15 minutes? Good. Now on to the good stuff…
2. Ask yourself, what have I lied to this person about?
• Remember that time he asked you where you were, but you didn’t feel like upsetting him, so you told him you were with your girl friends when you were really having coffee with your ex?
• Remember that time he asked if you were upset about something? You told him you were fine?
• Remember that time he asked about your favorite color and you told him it was green when it really was pink…? (ok…you get the point *giggles*)
But wait, I’ve always been open and honest with him. He knows me in and out, the good and the not so pleasant. I’ve ALWAYS been truthful with him!
3. Ask yourself, what have I lied to my friends, family, and others about?
• Remember your friends asked if you could come out clubbing ~ you said you were sick but you really wanted to stay in and read a book?
• Remember when your mother asked if you were dating someone and you said no?
• Remember when your boss asked you if you could stay late and you said you had plans when you really didn’t?
But wait, Lye~ness, I have no reason to lie to anyone! I keeps it real! 100% of the time! All my friends and family know I keeps it! Even strangers know not to ask me something unless they want the truth!
4. Ask yourself, what have I lied to myself about?
• Are you lying to yourself about what you want in life?
• Are you lying to yourself about what makes you happy?
• Are you lying to yourself about that ‘dream job’ you have?
• Are you lying to yourself about that ‘self love’ you have?
• Are you prideful about asking for help? Do you lie about being “alright”?
• Do you really have it all together?
You see, like attracts like. If you’re dishonest with your partner or family or friends or, even, yourself, how can you then expect honesty from another being? What is it about the vibration you’re giving off that has attracted a man into your life that would rather be dishonest than be honest with you?
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I’m not going to give Beyonce too much credit here, but ever since Destiny’s Child informed the world that they were Independent Women, it’s become a rallying cry.
You go to the club and the DJ yells for all of the independent women to throw their hands up. Personally, I miss the “rub your breastsstssts” demands, but hey, times have changed. Nowadays, women make it a point to let you they own everything from the roota to the toota. And that’s all well and good, but I wonder if all of this independence hasn’t come at a cost.
The relationship paradigm has been thrown out of whack for years now. At one point, men were expected to do man sh*t: put food on the table, fix the cars, and be the main decision maker in the household. Thing is, women still expect that stuff today (to some degree) except they make sure to let you know that they don’t NEED you to do it for them because they are more than able to do it all. That last one is probably the most interesting to me.
Nearly every household that I’m aware of, the men probably make more money but I’m almost sure that the women/mothers are the ones making all of the money decisions, save the crap like riding lawn mowers and powerized blow up dolls with the kung-fu grip major appliances. I know in my household that I never asked my dad for anything because he’d only tell me to go ask my mother for money anyway. Now of course, most of these women allow their men to be men outside of the household, which only means keep up appearances of the standard patriarchal household.
But I digress.
Independent women. As the typical roles of men and women get tossed out the window like a Britney Spears newborn or a Lauren London career I have to wonder what expectations women maintain for the household nowadays? I assume that most people are probably still very traditional in their approaches but let’s be real, in a world where women are starting to outpace their partners in the earning potential category it’s a lot more likely today that the woman could figuratively be the “head of the household”. But does that mean that the man’s role is diminished to former women-centric roles like wearing aprons and ironing C-cups and B.A.D.s??
It used to be that one of the main goals of the woman was to be married and become a mother, probably before 30. I don’t know about your neck of the woods but it seems like more and more women are getting dusty waiting longer to have kids and focusing more on establishing careers. Now this could be because the better women can read the less men there are out there for them (as evidenced by the myriad articles about women foregoing the typical family structure and adopting as a single mother), or maybe all the attractive women have men already leaving nothing but busted heffas to fight for the guys who really dont’ want to settle down anyway.
I kid. I kid.
I suppose women’s goals are still the same but I’m guessing that perhaps, the expectations of the gender roles isn’t the same as it used to be. Me no know. I assume that most if not all of the VSS’s here will be the type of woman to be as successful, if not moreso than their partners and husbands. So as women become more and more independent women become largely more successful than us men (we’re still all trying to graduate)…
….ladies, how have your expectations of the men in your changed from the prior generations, if at all? And to the brothas out there, does there seem to be a change in the expectations of women from what most of us learned early on?
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“You got a gold star this weekend.”
“Word?”
“Yup.”
“Cool. I’ll put it on my refrigerator. Can you tell me exactly why, though? What good relationship deed did I do?”
“If you don’t already know, I’m not telling you”
“Why not?”
“I want to continue to think you did it on purpose.”
In a perfect word, there’d be no need for such a list because there’d be no ambiguity about chivalry, but since “the concept of chivalry died years ago, neglected so long that it ended up gaunt and emaciated, starving to death outside of a KFC because no one could spare him the big piece of chicken” many contemporary women are surprised when men practice it. So surprised, in fact, that we occasionally receive “points” for things we’ve been doing since we were eight years old. (I said “eight” because that’s the first time I remember my dad smacking me in the back of my head because I didn’t open a door for my mom. That shit hurt like hell, so I tried to make sure to never to it again)
But along with the usual typically chivalrous acts, we spend much of our waking hours doing certain things for the sole purpose of making women’s lives easier, things we don’t get any types of special points or extra credit for.
Here’s a few of them.
1. Sleeping in the wet spot
Each gender has an equal stake in making sex a pleasurable experience. From courting to coitus, sex is the world’s truest symbiotic activity; an event where much of the outcome is based on creating an environment where teamwork trumps talent and unity usurps uniqueness.
But, the moment the last orgasmic reverberation ends, all notions of gender equality, togetherness, teamwork, and sexual ubuntu end as well. Men are expected to be the sacrificial “lay in the mysteriously colored (and mysteriously temperatured) wet spots made as a result of your collective effort to cum” lambs, ignoring the fact that human’s aren’t built to lay in random coital dampness. (Well, human’s not named “Kat Stacks” aren’t meant to lay in random coital dampness.)
Yet, despite this blatant and flagrant inequality (and despite the fact that we’re not the ones secreting random water-based lubricants all over the sheets and shit), we accept this arrangement, as long as you don’t ask us to get up and make you any kool-aid. (It’s cold out there, and, well, we generally don’t like how we look when it’s cold and we’re butt-naked.)
2. We don’t complain about our days
We hate our commutes, our bosses, our idiot coworkers, our “too damn talkative for a f*cking Monday morning” cubicle nemesi, our secretary’s terrible brick-based brownies (and the fact that she’ll “accidentally” misplace one of your messages if we refuse to eat one of them), the lunchtime lines at Au Bon Pain, the too flirty cashiers, the fact that the one cashier who’s actually cute is the one that never flirts with us, and the fact that no one in the office remembered it’s our birthday just as much as you do.
But, in what may be our most altruistic act, we usually leave it all at the office, allowing you to bask alone in your professional martyrdom glory. Trust me, on the chivalry scale, there’s no difference between “walking on the outside of the sidewalk while with a woman” and saying “My day was fine. Yours?” when you ask us about our day at work.
3. Allow you to convince us to try “new” foods
I have a friend who has literally eaten at least one junior bacon cheeseburger every day for the past 17 years. This may seem like a particularly depressing piece of Pittsburgh-area hyperbole, but his diet isn’t really that much different than the typical man’s diet.
Seriously, if you were to open the fridge in any random bachelor’s apartment today, you’d probably see nothing but myriad representatives from each of the three main food groups—breakfast food, reheatable beef products, and fruity shit stored in the fridge just in case a woman decides to come through. That’s it.
But, when we’re with you, we’re eating Ethiopian lasagna and Thai scrambled eggs and anus-angering Indian food. (Seriously, can someone tell me why Indian food hates our anuses so much? Did our anuses sleep with their sister? Do our anuses own them money? Did our anuses promise Indian food that it would always be its “spirtual son”? If anyone has any idea what their beef is, please let me know) So what if our stomachs are growling like Busta in the “Scenario” video, we do it in an attempt to appease your need for “atmosphere” and “newness” and “ambiance” and other gay-ass sounding descriptive nouns.
4. Leaving the toilet seat up
After getting up in the middle of the night and stumbling through the darkness to relieve ourselves, we occasionally forget to put the toilet seat down when finished. Women usually complain about this.
But, if you all knew the actual truth—if the toilet seat is actually down after we’ve relived ourselves in the middle of the night, there’s a likely chance the seat was never actually up, which also means there’s a likely chance we just said “f*ck it” and decided to pee on the toilet seat—you’d realize exactly how kind and considerate we were to leave it up.
5. Masturbating
We masturbate (frequently) so we’re not as compelled to sleep with each of your friends, an extremely chivalrous act saving you the trouble of having to find a new group of women to borrow dresses from and dread going to Saturday brunch with.
Anyway, falks, can you think of any other chivalrous acts men always do, but never get any actual notice or credit for? Also, ladies, are their any forms of “reverse chivalry” you regularly practice but we don’t know about?
Welcome to Basics a video series introducing the new APOA online.
In Basics 108 we learn about some of the social features of APOA online.
Previous Entries In the Basics Series
Basics 101 - Introduction to APOA online
Basics 102 - Signing Up as a New Member
Basics 103 - Signing Up as an Existing Member
Basics 107 - Membership Categories
Welcome to Basics a video series introducing the new APOA online.
In Basics 107 we learn how to change our membership category.
Previous Entries In the Basics Series
Basics 101 - Introduction to APOA online
Basics 102 - Signing Up as a New Member
Basics 103 - Signing Up as an Existing Member
Basics 106 - E-Library
Welcome to Basics a video series introducing the new APOA online.
In Basics 106 we explore the E-Library and some of the benefits from having a subscription.
Previous Entries In the Basics Series
Basics 101 - Introduction to APOA online
Basics 102 - Signing Up as a New Member
Basics 103 - Signing Up as an Existing Member
Welcome to Basics a video series introducing the new APOA online.
In Basics 105 we learn about subscriptions.
Previous Entries In the Basics Series
Basics 101 - Introduction to APOA online
Basics 102 - Signing Up as a New Member
Basics 103 - Signing Up as an Existing Member
Welcome to Basics a video series introducing the new APOA online.
In Basics 104 we learn how to view and update our user profile.
Previous Entries In the Basics Series
Basics 101 - Introduction to APOA online
Basics 102 - Signing Up as a New Member
Basics 103 - Signing Up as an Existing Member
Welcome to Basics a video series introducing the new APOA online.
In Basics 103 we learn how to create an account for an existing member of APOA.
Previous Entries In the Basics Series
Basics 101 - Introduction to APOA online
Basics 102 - Signing Up as a New Member
Welcome to Basics a video series introducing the new APOA online.
In Basics 102 we learn how to create an account for a new member of APOA.
Previous Entries In the Basics Series